Not understanding...

That's about where I've been now for two days. Yes I am planning a wedding, yes it will be stressful, yes I have been more organized than ever with this whole process. So why then is it so stressful? Outside influences/ obsticles/ people/ words.

Not that outside mind you, they are from family. A family that I put all of my love and free time into because they are my family, because I love them enough to do that. What do you need- okay I'm there, I can't be there in 2 hours how about 3? You're down in the dumps, let me take us for pretty toes...

Yesterday was especially difficult. I run so hard and so long sometimes, and need to not, but am never "allowed" not to by the family. When things are done for me, I day thanks more than I probably should and am always answered with not a "you're welcome" but with "you had better be, especially with how much money and time was spent on you."

I stopped asking for anything. My wants and needs are simple. I have asked very little of them with the up coming events and still get shit. They were upset with this because I wouldn't let them control how my one day was going to be, the fact that what Fishstick and I want is simple and fun. No no no that's not how it is to be.

I'm a fish swimming upstream, against the crowd most of the time. I don't do the status quoe it's just not me. I don't feel like I need to be a sheep and to do something just because it's "the way things are done"- f That.

Talking to a girlfriend last night made me realize how lucky I am that I get to start my own family. That we get to set a pace, set the mood for how our family is- although it's just us and the kitties, small but filled with so much love.

Friendship, love, listening, patience and consideration for one another. That's what I want. Guilt and greed are horrid. They make me cringe and make my tummy hurt, as well as my heart.

I can't change them, I can however distance myself. But I can make my new forming family something people are going to want to be with.